Body Image issues.. still

I decided to write my first blog on body image as this is a subject that has been with me since childhood. I'm not exactly sure the exact moment that this became an issue but I can't seem to shake it. I was actually a thin child until about age eight from the childhoold photos I can find. I had bright red hair which everyone including adults teased me for, skinny body and a nice smile. It wasn't until the family was uprooted and moved thousands of miles away did my body start to grow in what I perceived to be in an ugly and bad way. What exactly is body image? In class we learned that it “refers to the way we perceive our own bodies and the way we assume other people perceive us.” [Lightstone, 1999]
If you ask my mom she would tell you that I was a happy child with a great sense of humor and inquestive mind and of course she thinks I'm pretty. But she is my mom and has to say all those nice things. If you had asked my grandmother what kind of child I was she would tell you I was fat. Yep. Fat. Not a nice grandchild that was sweet as pie or smart as a whip. Fat. That is what I grew up with. I can't even begin to tell you the number of times I have heard that I would be so pretty if only I wasn't so fat. I learned to accept that everytime my grandmother would call or come to visit that the first question out of her mouth wouldn't be about my grades or activities but about how much I weighed. The interesting thing was at age fourteen I managed to lose about fifity pounds. I was estatic. I couldn't wait to show my grandmother my new body. Oh she was going to be so proud of me. Or so I thought. After years of constantly putting me down about my weight she had nothing to say to me. Nothing. I was stunned. She didn't comment or notice that I shed fifty pounds. At the time it really bothered me and now at thirty-five I guess all I can do is laugh about it but I won't fool you and say it still doesn't hurt. Isn't family the one place that you are supposed to get support?

I'm not exactly sure if my childhood experiences with my grandmother is how I got such a bad case of body image blues but does effect every part of my life. There are a thousand things I would love to try but my first thought is how someone will perceive me in doing so. As a child I was constantly paranoid that people were staring at me and talking about me. “She can't get on that ride, she's too fat.” . I even feel uncomfortable eating in public. Don't even get me started on how I use to hide food even from my family. I guess when you hear “do you really need to eat that?” a thousand and one times it would have an effect on a person. People assume since I am fat that I am lazy. Maybe. I don't go to the gym like I should or eat the “right” foods but maybe they wouldn't be so harsh if they knew about my medical issues. It's difficult to exercise when your body is screaming in pain. Not the “no pain, no gain” kind either. But that is a different subject all together.

Negative body image has affected me since about age seven. It has torn at family relationships, friends and of course love. I mean, how can anyone want to love this body? Even if I did manage to find a love interest, I spend the whole relationship wondering why they are with me. is that you don't judge me by my physical appearance. I have spent money on counseling and even managed to start to have a positive self image until one day about 2 years ago a co-worker told me I was ugly. What? Did he really have to tell me that? Apparently he felt I needed to know. Oh well. Therapy here I come..